London - Last week, I started my new job. I’m working at “Being Happy”. Experts reckon that positivity is a skill that ought be taught in all schools alongside literacy. They claim it will result in a more caring, sharing society, with well-balanced citizens who will work harder and commit less crime.
According to experts such as the Dalai Lama, Professor Richard Layard of the London School of Economics, and historian and Wellington College headmaster Anthony Seldon, happiness is a skill, just like cooking, maths and engineering, and should be learnt through structured exercises and incorporated into our daily lives for us to achieve our maximum potential.
We learn to drive, re-wire plugs and operate a blender, so why not learn how to be happy?
British Prime Minister David Cameron is obsessed with happiness (easy to feel rosy when you’ve been privately-educated and are married to a member of the wealthy upper classes), and is spending millions of taxpayers’ money on surveys to chart our every mood.
He wants the National Well-Being to be calculated and incorporated into future social policy. Does this mean the Government plans to penalise the people (like me) who are what I call creative pessimists?
Recently, Dave ordered the Office for National Statistics to ask 14,000 of us to complete “time diaries”, and another 4,000 to calculate (on a scale of one to ten) just how much they enjoyed each and every activity in their day.
That exercise is costing £1.5-million - which given the millions of people looking for work, many might feel we can ill afford.
Nevertheless, the Happiness Movement is taking off big-time. All sorts of expensive consultants and trendy think-tanks are showing businesses and politicians how to be happy.
Maybe they have a point. When Unicef researched happiness among young people, Britain rated poorly compared to other developed countries. Miserable, anxious kids will lead to all sorts of social problems - and the riots could just be the beginning.
Yet I like to think that negativity and pessimism are unique British traits which should be celebrated, not frowned upon. What about Philip Larkin, moaning about mum and dad; what about Tony Hancock, whose whole glorious existence was all about moaning? What about Basil Fawlty and unstoppable waves of impotent rage? All iconic characters. And miseries every one.
Grumpy Old Women has gone from popular telly series to a theatrical event that’s toured the country. You can’t imagine people queuing for a night out entitled Happy Old Women, can you?
The fact is, we love being miserable: it’s our default position. Most of it is an act, but grumpiness allows us to chat to strangers, breaking through our natural reserve.
Our misery is born out of British weather which always lets us down, trains that don’t run on time, cars regularly stuck in jams. Bosses who ignore us and over-reward themselves. Politicians who fiddle their expenses, and civil servants who are never to blame for any overspend or IT disaster.
We’re cynics ,and never believe or trust anyone in authority - though who can blame us? Experience, and the Blair-Brown years, have resulted in most voters feeling disenchanted, ignored and fed up. In my book, I can’t see what’s so appealing about being jolly.
But then, if this new positivity means my health will improve, I’ll be able to get through more work and the number of disagreements at JSP Towers will decrease, perhaps it’s not such a bad thing.
So last week, I decided to take a closer look, and downloaded a document entitled Action For Happiness, described as part of the Government’s Foresight Project on Mental Capital.
The document described the Ten Keys To Happier Living. Five were related to how we interact with the outside world - Giving, Relating, Exercising, Appreciating, Trying out. Together they spelt the acronym GREAT.
The next five - Direction, Resilience, Emotion, Acceptance and Meaning - spelt DREAM, and dealt with our inner attitude to life.
We are supposed to do these key things every day, and fill in a diary. First, though, happiness students are supposed to spend ten minutes on “mindfulness” each day - not necessarily yoga, just chill-out “quiet time”.
Already I was fretting that all this would be using up too much of my day, so I decided to forego the “quiet time” altogether and launch straight into my new Happy Workout by running through the ten keys to happier living. So how would I measure up in the GREAT DREAM audit?
Giving
“It’s not about money - we can give our time, ideas and energy,” says the Happy Manual. So I offloaded some unwanted clothes to my friend Philippa, although I don’t think a size 16 sundress (too big even for the JSP backside) is much of a prize.
I gave away some of my prized Savoy cabbages to another pal. I cut the slug-infested bit out first. Extra thoughtful? Or does giving away veg because you’ve got a glut not count in happy camp?
As for giving time, I had coffee with a mate who had dislocated his shoulder. Honestly, this Giving malarkey is something we all do anyway.
Score: Success. Next please!
Relating
“Connect with people,” instructed the manual. “List who matters most to you.” I filled in the box - just my long-suffering partner. I started by smiling at him in bed. Then I smiled at 7am over the coffee (made by me, but I’m not counting) and told him how much I loved him.
“Have you taken drugs?” was his response, as he tried to listen to Lord Prescott ranting away on the Today programme - much more entertaining than declarations of affection in our house.
When I explained I was trying to be positive and happy, he looked worried. By evening, he said it was too much of a strain; that he couldn’t cope with the new nice JSP, and could I go back to issuing orders as per usual.
So I tried writing a Letter of Thanks instead, as the manual advised. I always write thank-you letters for any dinner or social event anyway. I was told to write an extra one to someone I love, and read it to them. Bit difficult. Could I write to one of the other Loose Women?
Carol Vorderman always tries to give me a hug, but I am not a very tactile person at 8.30am. Note to self: must learn to be smiley and allow hug at early morning meeting.
Score: Could do better.
Exercising
According to the happiness website, “being active instantly improves our mood and can even lift us out of depression”.
Hmm. I spent all last weekend in mud in the rain, planting my winter vegetables. My back is wrecked. Yes, I go for regular walks, I play tennis every week - but the nannying tone of the document is really beginning to grate.
Score: Good, considering.
Appreciating
“Notice the world around us. Focus on the small things we enjoy each day on our way to work,” said the manual. Sadly, I stepped outside my front door yesterday and there was a trendy-looking chap in a T-shirt smoking within 15ft. I started screaming at him: “Move away and pollute the air around your own office building! My sister died of lung cancer and I don’t want your fumes in my air space.”
It was a full JSP rant.
When he said it was a public highway, I told him I was reporting him to the local Environmental Health Department. Later, a ripe tomato was squashed on the pavement by my front door. Was it a symbol?
Score: Abject fail, and proud of it!
Trying Out
I am supposed to keep learning new things. Earlier this year, I learned to play the recorder for a Sky documentary and performed a Handel sonata in a concert. A huge act of folly and self-delusion, it caused me untold anxiety - and on the day I was dreadful.
Since then, the concept of “trying out something new” is banned in our house. My aspirations so outstrip my ability to practise anything. I can’t see why I can’t just pick up a musical instrument and play it.
On holiday this year, I tried a new card game with my mates - but if I’m not going to win, I don’t see the point of playing anything.
Score: Good, considering.
That was the GREAT section dealt with. Now onto the DREAM...
Direction
“Have goals to look forward to,” said the manual. What are my goals? My goal is to get my partner to remember what he is supposed to be doing (shopping, mending stuff, cleaning the car). I’m too bossy and goal-orientated, so this is one category I can easily over-achieve.
Score: I pass with flying colours.
Resilience
“Find ways to bounce back.” No problem - I’m over-confident, always have to have the last word. In JSP world, there’s only two ways to do things: my way and the wrong way.
Score: 100 per cent - but maybe the happy squad wouldn’t approve of my methods.
Emotion
“Take a positive approach”. This could be problematic. “Try to focus on the good aspects of any situation.” Easy for me, but what about the million young people without a job, the huge number of women being laid off, the people over 50 who will never get another job?
This goal sucks, in my opinion. Why not take a realistic approach!
Mind you, when I have been sacked, I have managed to bounce back mentally very quickly.
I try to be positive about ageing, but I did start a mini-diet and chucked out the bread today when my middle blobbed over the top of my new jeans. How can you be positive about a roll of flab?
Score: Fail.
Acceptance
“Be comfortable with who you are.” See above. Ninety percent of me is happy with who I am, the other ten percent would like to get my bum back into the ten pairs of trousers hanging unworn for two years in the back of my cupboard.
Score: Ha ha is what I say to that one.
Meaning
“Be part of something bigger.” Finally, we are asked to evaluate what gives our lives meaning. Right now, it’s my runner beans - they are bloody fantastic. I am so happy every time I look at them.
Do you think that’s what Dave and the Happiness gang are talking about? Or have I got to join a club and do some volunteering? I am starting a charity walk on Sunday.
Score: Pass.
So how did the whole Happiness Audit make me feel? Irritated. The worse thing about the Happiness website is that it’s being touted as a “movement” we can join. Given our economic situation, the cost of living, unemployment, the fact so many people are being diagnosed with dementia and cancer, I think, on balance, we do pretty well.
So they can b****r off with their daily happiness exercises and online chat. I’ll do it my way. I’m proud to be a misery. - Daily Mail