Although we want our partners to be like us, it is what makes them different which helps us to grow, says Adele Green.
Relationships attract opposite personalities that contribute to the richness of life. Although we want our partners to be like us, it is what makes them different which helps us to grow.
This week’s question comes from Belinda in Namibia: “How do I get my husband to communicate more with me? He is so quiet. I know his job is hectic and he talks and fights with people all day as he does labour law, but I would love a little more conversation.”
How often do you want something that needs to be provided for by your partner? How often does what you need create more strain on your relationship? These additional questions will guide you, Belinda.
Men who focus on their careers do this because it is how they provide for their families. Their lives adjust to home-time restoring the balance that their personality type requires. In your situation the busy office time might be balanced by peaceful home time, where a golden silence is easier to maintain.
Women tend to put relationships first. Those who do, also look to their relationships first for meeting their needs. This does not mean that they are co-dependent. Looking towards your partner first, to meet your communication style, is natural if you are like this.
Should your husband be expected to communicate more with you? Consider his needs versus your needs: Could your needs be met in other areas of your life?
And, are there other ways in which your husband can find the silence that he requires to restore his energy levels?
Your key consideration is whether forced conversations with your husband will put strain on your relationship when he does not get to restore his energy levels. Could you become social online instead, chat to a friend or family member to get your stimulation?
Extroverted people feel energised from having conversations.
Introverted people are energised when they spend time alone or in silence. I will even go as far as mentioning that if you are a sensitive person who is good at "reading" other people, you probably absorb their positive or negative energy.
Downtime restores your brain from being constantly bombarded with information, so you can be yourself again.
You have a responsibility to meet your own need for conversations as well. Test having conversations with others to get your fix. But also mention how wonderful it is to have your husband at home and how you are looking forward to the days when you can have long stimulating conversations when he is not working.
If he knows how much you value his input, he might surprise you from time to time.
Communication has many levels.
There are so many more aspects to a relationship that are energy-giving for both of you that will deepen your bond. Instead of spending so much time brewing over getting him to talk more, you could explore ways for him to restore his psychic energy faster and then try again to engage in conversations.
Here are some suggestions of what can help him replenish his energy: animal cuddles, meditation, exercise, a candlelit bath, gardening, music or doing something creative for which he will have something to show afterwards.
A Stanford study led by Gregory Bratman found that walking in nature quieted the part of the brain that is active during obsessive negative thinking. And the most appropriate relationship support you can give him comes from his human need for fulfilling connections.
Whether you are an introvert or an extrovert, you will feel energised by true intimacy.
Emotionally intimate relationships that are built on acceptance, trust and mutual respect rejuvenate you. And it might just be what you need as well, instead of conversation.
We do not always get what we want, but life gives us what we need the most. They just present themselves as obstacles until we notice life’s little blessings.
* Adelé Green provides answers when posted on www.adele-green.com/askadele/ or confidential, fee-for-service, individual coaching via Skype to men and women. She is a transformation specialist coach and author of Can You See Me Naked: Grow in a conscious relationship.