A subreddit user on the (Am I The A-hole) platform asked … “AITA for not allowing my daughter to spend Christmas with me and my ‘new’ family?”
A female, 46, who is estranged from her 24-year-old daughter from her previous marriage and who is currently married and has two sons, 12 and 10— was asked by her daughter if she may spend Christmas with them in an effort to get to know her brothers and, ideally, mend the clearly strained bond.
For context, the subreddit user wrote, “When I was married to my first husband, he was unemployed for almost all of our marriage. We lived in a house his father owned, his father paid our bills, bought us the car we drove, and he sent my husband money to take care of our family.
“I was young, stupid and in love. That is my only excuse for living like that. When my daughter turned 5, I started pushing my husband to work, and I got a job. He didn’t want to. Things escalated and ended up in us getting divorced.”
Amid divorce settlements, her ex-husband got full custody while she got visitations every other Saturday.
She points out, “His dad hired a good lawyer. I couldn’t do that, working a full-time and two other part-time jobs to afford my one-bedroom apartment as well as make the child support payments.”
No relationship is perfect, and because they are already complicated enough without the presence of outside factors, adding a child to the equation can lead to their collapse if the parents aren't on the same page. Even so, despite the generalised nature of this shared experience, the child's well-being always takes precedence over everything.
She continues by saying she observed a lot of child alienation as a result of her divorce from her ex-husband and his new wife.
“Sadly, I couldn’t afford to take them to court again,” she wrote.
“By the time my daughter turned 14, she was calling me by name and calling her stepmom ‘mom’. I tried my best to hold on to my kid, I went to all the events I could go to, I planned fun days with the limited funds I had, and even when I couldn’t afford to turn on the heat, I still made sure to get her a Christmas gift.”
However, by the time her daughter turned 16, she wanted nothing to do with her. She claims that despite suing them for custody again, nothing happened.
"And the last time I saw her, she said some very awful things to me. I was defeated, but I decided that I no longer had a daughter since that is literally what she wanted,” she wrote.
She stated that she relocated, got married, and has two great children. "Last year, my daughter reached out, apologised for everything, and wanted to reconcile. I still speak with her once a week, despite my hesitation and resentment.”
“Suddenly, she asked if she could spend Christmas with us. She wanted to get to know her brothers. I told her that we were not at a stage where I could allow that.
“It got heated, but I told her that I could not trust her with my kids and that I was still not 100% sure that I wanted our relationship to become more.”
“She accuses me of being an AH for punishing her for circumstances beyond her control and claims that I know that everything she told me and did in response to me was a direct result of her father's manipulation. AITA?
Responding to the post, Colo-rectal Surgeon, 49 wrote, “ YTA (you are the A-H) I was young, stupid and in love, that is my only excuse for living like that.”
“Your daughter was also young and surrounded by manipulative people who turned her against you. You were able to snap out of it and work hard to make a life for yourself. Your daughter, who hurt your feelings when she was literally a child, seems to have snapped out of it as well. But you offer her no grace.”
Another user also commented saying, “In case you haven't noticed, Christmas is three days away. Are you guys really calling her an AH because she doesn't want to suddenly put reconciliation on the fast track? She is allowed to reconcile on her own timeline.”