Understanding infidelity and why partners cheat
People are not loyal to other people - they are loyal to the fulfillment of their own highest values (what is most important to them). Relationships may start out being romantic, but they also remain utilitarian.
Everyone has a hierarchy of values - priorities - which determine how they perceive, make decisions and act upon the world. These values influence what they like or dislike, are attracted to or repelled by, what opens them up or shuts them down.
These values might be concentrated in a particular part of a person's life or spread from their mental aspects to vocational, financial, family, social, physical and spiritual.
At the beginning of a relationship, a couple would normally balance each other’s unique values out. So if a woman values security, she will value a mate that brings business, leadership and financial empowerment into her life. If a man values beauty and influence then he would value partner who brings physical and social power to the relationship.
But as the relationship matures, if one spouse begins sacrificing their highest values for their more empowered partner's, there will be an imbalance. Where this becomes extreme, the relationship becomes stressed and vulnerable.
Whoever has the most power, often wants more freedom and may seek out alternative options. Whoever has the least power, often wants fidelity, meaning marriage and monogamy to them is generally a higher priority.
The spouse who is empowered in most or all areas of their life is generally successful in their career, will have wealth, will be physically attractive; educated and articulate and generally considered a together person.
On the other hand, the spouse who has become disempowered, who abandoned their own career and financial independence, gave up on their dreams to opt for a dependency role when married; is going to experience an extremely polarised imbalance of empowerment in the marriage.
The spouse who is most empowered may start searching for a new partner to balance out his or her own power levels. That's when it is wise for the spouse who is not empowered to stop injecting their partner's values into their life and look in the mirror. They need to reclaim a feeling of self- worth and re magnetize their partner. When they value themselves; so do others.
When they offer what is perceived as value, their mates stick around. When a couple is more equally empowered, they will be less likely to seek others, outside of the marriage.
Couples with a balance of overall powers keep each other in homeostatic check. This results in a more stable relationship. They experience only mild oscillations in their relationship dynamic which are not enough to motivate infidelity.
As long as they are getting their values met they are less likely to stray. When you develop a greater understanding on how coupled individuals relate to each other by understanding their values, you can experience an incredible new sense of liberty.
Dr John Demartini, human behaviour expert, author, teacher and founder of The Demartini Institute