QUESTION: I met my “Mr Right” at an old friend’s wedding, just as I’d given up hope of finding love, having turned 40. The only problem is that he lives in Hong Kong. Both of us have well-paid jobs that we’re loath to give up so, over the past year, every two months one of us has flown to see the other. But the gaps in between are torturous. It’s particularly difficult for him, as he’s got a very high libido. I’ve said that if he ever slips up and has a one-night stand, I’d probably forgive him. I feel I have to be realistic to make this relationship work, but my best friend says it’s carte blanche to cheat and that we don’t stand a chance with the distance involved. Do you think I’m deluding myself?
ANSWER: We all delude ourselves in love, but since it’s generally a mutual and blissful delusion, I’m not going to chide you on that score.
Clearly, long-distance relationships are fraught with difficulties, but that does not mean they are necessarily doomed.
Recently this paper highlighted the happy marriage of Wales-based 64-year-old Trish Sheppard and 59-year-old Jay Jakovic, who lives in Albany, New York. They take it in turns to cross the Pond once a month and declare themselves blissfully contented.
Among my own circle of acquaintances, I know lovers who are hopping on planes between Stansted and Prague, Edinburgh and Italy, London and Texas. All of them are in serious, long-term relationships that have endured at least six years (one’s been going for 12), which is far longer than many people who live in the same street.
One thing I would say is that your age mitigates in your favour. It’s a lot harder when you’re very young to wait a long time to see your beloved in our push-button society, with its onus on instant gratification. Two months seems like eternity when you’re 25.
By the time you have reached 40 your perspective has usually evolved. Most people believe by then it’s better to wait 60 days for your soulmate than have a series of flings with also-rans.
Anyone who’s ever served in Her Majesty’s Forces knows that some good things are worth waiting for, and few of us would exist had the WW2 generation not waited for love.
As I’m sure you know, there are advantages unique to the long-distance relationship. Most people have big commitments by the time they reach middle age. Long-distance love means you can concentrate on work when apart, then clear luxurious space for erotic connection.
It’s hard for romance to become stale when your time together is fleeting. Sex is far more thrilling when it’s rationed and hard won.
One divorced male friend who’s been dating a woman from another continent for eight years says the couple still have sex at least twice a day when they meet. He says that though they could move in together, they prefer to keep separate flats in separate countries, as it keeps them hungry for each other.
Your conversation with your lover about “flings” undoubtedly complicates matters. I am concerned you seem to have volunteered the concession so early in the relationship when burning passion should make the thought of other temptations unpalatable to either of you. They don’t say “Start as you mean to go on” for no reason.
I do note, however, that you say you would “probably” forgive him if he strayed. You may think your hesitancy makes it clear you’re not promoting betrayal, but I hope he notices the distinction.
One female friend of mine gave a similar, grudging bit of leeway to her partner, and he definitely regarded her words as a “Get out of Jail Free” card. When she found out he had been sleeping with other women in between their monthly assignations, she was devastated while he was bemused. “But you said flings wouldn’t count,” he wailed.
So I think your best friend is right to give a word of warning. Most women find it harder to forgive an infidelity, however fleeting, than they might admit to themselves. No one wants to be clingy and possessive, but nor do you want to portray yourself as a pushover.
Which is not to say these incidents can never be overcome. The couple I know did recover from his indiscretions, but she put him on a new, tight leash and learned, to her surprise, that he could survive bouts of abstinence.
The fact is that you and your partner are the only two who can possibly know the tensile strength of your relationship. What I would say is that you shouldn’t offer any form of play-away deal that you can’t easily live with.
I also wonder whether you’re crediting your man with less self-control than he actually has. By 40, most men have found that romance can supersede libido.
As for the distance, I wouldn’t worry. Mr Right in Hong Kong is always a better bet than Mr So-So next door. - Daily Mail