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‘I long for gentleness in bed’

It's possible that the root cause of your partner's resistance is simply a lack of empathy.

It's possible that the root cause of your partner's resistance is simply a lack of empathy.

Published Apr 21, 2015

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QUESTION: I met my partner at our local bar’s singles’ night – we were both on the rebound from long-term relationships.

He’s very attractive, but I wish he knew the meaning of being gentle in bed. When I tell him this, he gets defensive and says that’s what his exes liked. How can I get him to listen to me? Or, at 57, is he too old to change his ways?

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ANSWER: No one’s ever too old to listen to their other half. That’s what a good relationship is about – paying attention to the person you love.

Furthermore, it’s boorish of your partner to suggest that you are in the wrong. Who cares what his exes thought?

The only thing that matters is your relationship, which won’t flourish if he’s not prepared to listen to you. You need to work out why he is so defensive. Some men can be super-sensitive to any form of perceived reproach, making them over-react.

The best way to effect change in such cases is to lavish him with praise for his technique in the bedroom, before saying: ‘There’s one small thing that would make things even better…’

It’s possible that the root cause of your partner’s resistance is simply a lack of empathy.

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It can be hard for blokes to understand just how soft and sensual you want a partner to be when you tell them to be ‘gentle’.

Sometimes, the only way to rectify that misapprehension is to demonstrate – perhaps by seducing him with a massage.

If your boyfriend is resistant to change, despite your best entreaties, then more drastic action is needed.

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No one should ever be coerced into something that’s less than pleasurable.

It’s not just reasonable, but essential to tell him you can’t continue having sex that ignores your needs. Go on strike until he listens to what you’re saying.

Either that or ditch him. No amount of good looks is worth being ignored.

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