QUESTION: My partner and I are in our late 40s and have been together for three years. We have a good sex life, apart from his repeated requests that I tell him my innermost fantasies. I’m not comfortable sharing such private thoughts. Why can’t he be happy with the level of intimacy we already enjoy?
ANSWER: It’s become a bit of a relationship cliché that we should tell our other half everything, as if examining their every thought was a great idea.
The truth is, most of us need to conserve a little inner space – often, it’s this small corner of privacy that keeps us sane. This is especially true if you live with someone who likes asking: ‘What are you thinking?’
So I understand why you feel so resistant to your partner’s entreaties. Many shy people feel mortified by the thought of voicing explicit thoughts, even to someone they love.
What you need to fathom is your partner’s motivation here. If he’s a kind lover, he probably wants clues as to how he can better push your buttons.
It’s also likely he feels turned on by the idea of sharing fantasies aloud. Telling someone your private desires can be thrilling – but only if you feel comfortable doing so.
It’s also possible that he feels you keep too much from him. Some people are more withholding than others, which can be frustrating for a partner. If you’re honest, might you benefit from a little emotional release?
It’s not necessarily imperative to reveal your true fantasies. You might find your man is happy listening to a scenario you invent, or from an erotic novel.
Only you can know how a fair balance can be struck. Perhaps your partner also needs to recognise that what he craves in you is precisely the knowledge you hold something back.
The long quest to uncover your fantasies may be more thrilling than actually accessing them.