Type in the word “swinging” on a Google search and you enter a titillating parallel world of thinly veiled innuendo. Add the word “Durban” and you are spoiled for choice. Invitations to swingers’ parties in private homes are plentiful, as are blandishments – mostly from white or Indian couples – to bring along your partner (or not) and join them for some good, low down, dirty fun.
The spur for our investigation was a call from a sheltered young couple who had just moved into their first shared home – a granny cottage in upmarket Westville. They got a real eye-opener.
“We were unpacking our boxes with a friend who had come along to help,” said the young man.
“He decided to take a smoke break at the bottom of the garden. Next thing he called out: ‘Hey guys, you need to take a look at this.’
“We all trooped down the path alongside a low fence separating our garden from the neighbour’s. And there, in bright daylight, a bunch of people were having sex like rabbits. They did everything imaginable and kept swopping partners. Then they would take a break and walk naked around the pool, either smoking or talking on their cellphones, and then they would go at it again. They must have been aware that we were watching but they didn’t seem to care. A few Saturdays later it happened again. This time there were even more people involved.
“It was kind of funny but also shocking for this kind of suburb. Is this happening everywhere?”
Pretty much so – and it’s all just a click away, we discovered when we trawled the internet for playmates willing to, um, talk. A couple of those who had left contact details on websites dropped their phones like radioactive vibrators when they heard we were from the press. One whispered, clearly anxious: “I’m at work and my boss eavesdrops on calls. Ring me later.” Others were after more action than chit-chat.
Two men, one from Queensburgh, the other from Phoenix, proved very persistent. “I don’t mind talking, but we have to do it face-to-face,” insisted Queensburgh. “Come at around 10pm, by that time the kids will be in bed.”
His insistence knew no bounds, and the budding friendship ended abruptly with him belittling the journalist for her “narrow mind”.
Phoenix was equally pushy, but insisted “We don’t have to do anything. We’ll just, like, take it as it comes. My wife’s bi and, if you like it, we could have a bit of no-strings-attached action.”
A safer alternative was to check out Durban’s very first formal swingers’ club, whose owners were happy to chat.
The venue is a former warehouse that has been transformed into a pleasure palace complete with high-tech discotheque, sumptuously decorated bedrooms and a dedicated “voyeurs suite” for those who get turned on by watching.
The owners couldn’t be more welcoming or professional. Despite their openness, the three partners didn’t want their names publicised because they said they had children who could be embarrassed.
“Swinging is not primarily about sex,” says Sandra, who has found that swopping partners is the magic spice that keeps her sexual relationship with her husband tantalising, 20 years into their marriage.
“Many of our members are great friends, and braai and socialise together, but don’t necessarily find each other sexually compatible. When they come to the club they can flirt with their partner, get excited by what is going on around them, and then take the action to one of our bedrooms.”
She explains that swinging is divided into a number of categories. The “soft swop” is two couples having sex with their respective partners in the same room.
Then there’s full swinging, when partners are exchanged, but both couples are in the room. “Hard-core swopping is when one partner goes off to have sex with someone else behind a closed door. We hardly ever have that here. It’s a couple thing for most of our members.”
“Don’t think that swinging is the answer for a relationship that’s in trouble,” her husband cautions. “It is not for those with personal issues. You need to be very secure in your relationship. There can’t be any jealousy. It’s all about having fun.”
The third business partner, Steve, chips in: “There was a huge demand for our services. Before, we had to drive to Joburg to swing at a private club. Like other swingers, we wanted protection and privacy. The logical step was to open our own venue. We knew how hard it was to meet like-minded people. When you want action between two couples, it’s like four people trying to date instead of two. It’s not always easy. Also, on the internet you could put yourself in danger because you don’t know who you are dealing with.”
The club maintains its members are stringently screened.
The owners say many people are under the misconception that visitors to the club walk in the door, drop their kit and get stuck in to a mass orgy.
“It is actually a disco where, if you wish, you can get naughty,” Sandra explained. “People are able to talk about sex and sexuality with greater freedom among other like-minded people.”
The club caters chiefly for the 30 to 55 age group, although older members are welcome. Under-28s are regarded as too young.
Most weeks around 60 people turn up, but that number can double on occasions like Valentine’s Day. Drunkenness is taboo, as is drug-taking or the possession of firearms.
“We have bouncers, but we have never had to break up a fight… ” Sandra said.
Apart from a ban on sex on the dance floor or in the Jacuzzi, it’s pretty much a case of anything goes. Bowls of condoms are on prominent display and safe sex is encouraged.
“You might find it hard to believe, but our members come in part because they don’t want their partners to have affairs,” said Sandra.
Michael, 35, from Malvern has been married for two years and swinging for most of that time. He approached his wife after he saw an ad and admits it took some convincing.
“She was reluctant at first but, after our first experience blew our minds, we had to do it again.”
Although Michael and his wife are white, both find Indian women irresistible.
“We placed an ad and got a reply. Because my wife was nervous the husband lent his wife to us for the night; he didn’t come over.”
He said they either invite a woman to join them for the night or another couple. His wife only interacts with him or the other woman. Michael claims this has enhanced their sex life.
“Even days after a session, the sex between my wife and me is so much better. I don’t know why, but it is. My friends all wish they had wives like mine.”
A prominent Durban clinical psychologist said swinging presented no easy answers.
“If a couple have a strong attachment and they choose to swing it may enhance their relationship, as they are introduced to variety and to the fact that someone else finds their partner sexually desirable.
“On the flip side it can also highlight insecurities, especially in the performance field. Women are socialised to be more emotionally invested in sexual intimacy as society views female sexuality differently from male sexuality.
“I don’t believe that the sex drives between the sexes are different (other than idiosyncratic differences, much like the appetite for different kinds of food). Swinging can be harmless and exciting, but when it goes wrong, it does so equally for men and women.” - Sunday Tribune