By Bronwyn Gerretsen
Society is to blame for giving men permission to get away with doing more sexually outside of their relationships, including having affairs, says renowned sexologist Dr Marlene Wasserman.
Joost van der Westhuizen's recent admission of cheating on his wife, Amore Vittone, more than three years ago, has made newspaper and magazine headlines for months.
Although Van der Westhuizein emphasised in his recently-released book that he did not have sexual intercourse with former South African athlete Charmaine Weavers Gale, he did concede that even kissing another woman amounted to cheating.
"There is no such thing as a small sin or a big sin. To be with someone else is wrong, even just kissing her is wrong. In the eyes of God, it is wrong," he said.
Van der Westhuizen and Vittone have been "working at their marriage" since he "came clean" in August this year. He said he couldn't imagine how his wife was dealing with it.
"She's a human being, and cheating is the number one cause of divorce. She's a good example of a woman who made a promise and stuck by it. It pisses me off when people criticise her for staying with me. They must criticise me; I did wrong, not her," he said.
Wasserman said the essence of cheating was not about the details of what occurred - it was about the pain and betrayal.
"The real essence is the sense of betrayal, humiliation and distrust. The relationship contract is broken. Whether it is through kissing, flirting, oral sex or penetration, the pain is the same. Yes, people do want to get into the detail, but it's really about one person turning their back on something special."
Wasserman said it was also a myth that men did not hurt as much as women did when betrayed, explaining that men and women felt the same pain, but for different reasons.
"When a man becomes emotionally involved with another woman, their partner will hurt at that kind of betrayal. But men will hurt more when their partner has a physical involvement with another man as they are more territorial and see their partners' bodies as something which should be kept for them."
Wasserman added that another reason why it was often assumed that men could get away with cheating more than women could was because they are able to "deposit" freely. Women, however, are more at risk as they could fall pregnant.
She advised that each couple needed to make a contract identifying what they defined as cheating, and that this contract needed be re-evaluated regularly.
"These are things that change over time. Maybe at the age of 18, touching someone else would be defined as cheating, but at the age of 28, flirting would. The rules change. Maybe the people in the relationship are allowed to go out for coffee with a person of the opposite sex now, whereas 10 years before, they weren't allowed to," she said.