A 44-year-old woman has taken to social media platform Reddit to ask whether she is an a**hole for embracing her step-daughter – an 18-year-old whom she says is “jealous” of her relationship with her father.
She also says Emily, has become “a burden” and is lazy.
The teenager, however, says her step-mother is only jealous of her relationship with her dad.
The woman, who posted on the ‘Am I the A**hole’ subreddit , explains that she has two children with her husband – a two-year-old boy and six-year-old girl, and then 18-year-old step-daughter Emily who has been living with the family for the past six months.
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The woman, known only by her Reddit username of Jearshsbd, says her step-daughter moved into her family’s home because her mother kicked her out. Apparently she and her mom did not have a great relationship and her mother said she was too problematic.
“Since Emily moved in, I’ve been very welcoming and I’ve spent more than enough money to help her get on her feet; this includes work shoes, comforter sets for her bed, hair products, clothing, and underwear.
“We told her that she could live here as long as she needed, but since her moving here she’s become a burden to both my children and I. My children and I are used to a regimen of waking up, spending time with my husband, him dropping them off at day care, and then him going to work. When he gets home, I cook, clean, and we spend the rest of our night with the kids.”
However, she says now that her step-daughter has become entitled.
“Whenever she needs anything financially she will ask either myself or my husband.
“When I bought her work uniform, she kept the job for three weeks and then quit because she ‘didn’t like her co-workers’. She has taken most of my savings, taken the time from my children to my husband, and used that time for herself and has been extremely unappreciative for what I’ve done for her.
“I told her she needed to figure out a living plan because she is 18 and a legal adult and that she needs to start adulting.”
In response, Emily said she was still in school –via online learning, but the woman responded that that was not enough “since there are more hours in the day and she can do more than just be lazy all day and use her computer as an excuse”.
The teenager apparently told her step-mom that she was merely jealous of the relationship she had with her father.
“I reminded her that she’s living in our home rent-free. I told her that she should be lucky that I treat her as my own because not everyone would do such with their step-child.”
The woman adds that her husband thinks she is wrong for saying this to his daughter and that what she has done is “harsh”.
“But I don’t see how when she is 18 years old and she is grown,” the woman says.
One of the responses to her story was: “First off, since school isn’t enough for her to do, why aren’t you telling us about your own job? Because from the sound of it, you’re a stay-at-home mom but without the kids, so just a stay-at-home wife. Also, it easily sounds like she worked at a toxic workplace, which is especially common at chains where uniforms need to be bought.”
The user then asked: “What do you mean with ‘taken the time from my children and used that time for herself"? So she is being social with you guys? And out-competing a two- and a three-year-old for attention? You believe that yourself?
The poster adds: “Also, ‘not everyone would do such with their step-child’, except everyone who would want a good relationship with the child’s partner absolutely would treat the step-child like that.”
Another Reddit user wrote that the step-mother is jealous that her step-daughter wants to spend time with her dad.
“What a sorry excuse for a step-parent...Also it sounds like (she) has just spent the basics on her step-daughter – bedding, clothing, and sanitary supplies.”
The responder also asked: “Have you tried to be a role model for your step-daughter? Just telling her to be an adult and start ‘adulting’ without equipping her with the skills to succeed is setting her up for failure. Granted, all of this is from your point of view, so I bet you are sugar-coating how shitty it really has been for your step-daughter.”
Ultimately, Reddit decided that the step-mom in this case was in fact the a**hole.
Paul C. Holinger, a psychiatrist and an adult and child/adolescent psychoanalyst, says in an article on psychologytoday.com, that the first step to becoming the best possible step-parent is acknowledging and accepting the complexities of your new identity.. The dynamic between a step-child and a step-parent is unique and complicated.
“Step-parenting requires transitioning from stranger to parental figure in the eyes of someone who has previously established parentage. While it is certainly possible, step-parenting lacks the ease of biological parenting. Generally speaking, birth parents are endowed with inherent, insurmountable love and affection, gifted to them by their children before they are even capable of speech. Step-parents, on the other hand, have to overcome obstacles of time and unfamiliarity to create such a bond, just as kids themselves have to overcome wariness and uncertainty to accept a stranger as mom or dad.”
He advises step-parents to schedule alone time with their step-children as this is the key to forging a durable relationship with them. This includes finding common hobbies or interests they share with their step-kid(s). If none exist, then try something new together.
“Sport, for example, provides something to do with one’s hands, while attending a festival or museum allows for easier conversation. Setting a weekly breakfast or movie date is also a good idea, as the ease of routine compounds to establish comfort and familiarity. Regardless, the activity itself is not important; the alone time is. In order to distinguish yourself as a parent independent of your partner, the onus is on you to create memories and experiences with your kids independent of said partner.”
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