Who does not want to know how to get their partner to assist with house chores? It is "spring clean" season and the list of what needs to be done at home is endless.
This week’s question comes from Mercy in Brakpan: “I don’t like using 'mommy' tactics, but my husband does nothing to help fix things at home despite asking several times. What can I do to get him to do his bit?”
Wikipedia suggests 15 steps Mercy. This includes everything from making a list, to differentiating role chores, to bribing and giving ultimatums.
I use to feel frustrated too, and instead of blame I came to a realisation through a different experience. Becoming a widow allowed me to appreciate the stuff that men do around the house.
Now, still being very dependent on the man of the house for his strength and practical efforts, I would like to offer you another perspective.
The most important lesson here is that when women let go of the expectation and create a formal agreement from a place of respect, the rest will fall into place over time.
Every person has a different thought pattern. Some respond to threats and some more to praise. The best approach to motivate your partner to participate is to custom fit your strategy to his needs.
Do you know what he needs when you need him to do house work? Suggesting this to them will peak their interest.
The second consideration, if you do not want to use "mommy" tactics, is to treat him and his needs as equal to yours. If they are equally important you can find a good trade. A relationship is not a business transaction, but today house chores involve both partners for the same reason that you both bring money into the household.
And, if this is not the case, then you need to up your game and give your husband a business proposal of what the chores will cost if you cannot do it yourself.
Not everyone is blessed with a practically able man, but we are all capable of gratitude for the roles they play in our households and often need to grow into.
Nobody likes to do chores that are taken for granted. Some partners are not interested in physical labour and not necessarily lazy. Some will do it for your affection, especially those who are happy to fix something for the neighbour.
The most important insight is that if your partner knows how important something is for you to get done, he will make an effort to fix your problem. If you have pages of lists he is not going to be motivated, so ask for one task to be done at a time.
And most importantly, be patient.
If that does not work, try to exchange husbands with the neighbour. Even as a joke it might just be the fire they need to get going.
The most important improvement to your attitude once you get his attention is to be respectful and show appreciation.
Show your gratitude for any effort rather than using shame tactics.Maybe you can start with apologising for all the hurtful words you regularly direct at him, because it seems that nothing you do is working and try again as suggested here. Please let me know how it is working.
* Adelé Green provides answers here when posted on