London - Not so very long ago, arguments would rattle on for hours over the date of the Battle of Flodden, or the Christian name of Mrs Beeton, or the year the M25 opened, or whether the tomato is a vegetable or a fruit.
This was the way of all social gatherings: someone would state a fact, someone else would say they had got it wrong and then everyone would argue for a few hours.
But nowadays, whenever two or more people are gathered together, arguments are instantly brought to a halt by someone saying, “Let’s Google it!”
And that puts an end to that: 1513. Isabella. 1986. Fruit.
All done and dusted in four seconds. So Bob’s your uncle. Or is he?
Is Bob really my uncle? Some people will then argue that Bob is my first cousin once removed, so not, strictly speaking, my uncle. Others will maintain that Jack and Harry are my uncles, and the only Bob I know is the Bob who works in the newsagents on Saturdays.
Meanwhile, a clever dick down the other end of the table will argue that Bob is sometimes short for Robin as well as Robert, so that if I have an Uncle Robin then, yes, Bob might still be my uncle.
This will lead another, even cleverer dick to suggest that, in actual fact, a Rob can be a Robert or a Robin but a Bob can only be a Robert. So let’s Google it!
Once again, the argument is solved in seconds: Google says I don’t have an uncle called Bob, and, even if I did, he would definitely be called Robert not Robin.
With all these old-fashioned arguments settled so quickly, we now have nothing left to say to one another. So is it any wonder that our conversations tend to peter out after just a few minutes, sending us all to our mobiles in search of some other distraction?
You go to a party. Someone comes up to you. But who is she?
Her name is on the tip of your tongue: Susan, no, Jane, no, Helen. No, not Helen - some other name beginning with H. But what other women’s names begin with H? Heidi? Helga? Harriet? That’s it! Harriet! No, that doesn’t sound quite right ... Hannah?
No. Perhaps her name doesn’t begin with an H at all. Is she a B - a Barbara, Beatrice, or Betty?
Meanwhile, the woman whose name you think begins with B not H is looking as though she half-realises you have forgotten her name.
Does she suspect that this is why you haven’t introduced her to the person you were chatting to just before she came over? Or does she imagine you know her name but have forgotten the name of the other person? All is solved!
The new Raspberry Elite smartphone comes with a new app called TipOfMyTongue, which is set to revolutionise social occasions.
From now on, whenever you enter a crowded room, all you need do is point your Raspberry discreetly at anyone whose name you can’t quite remember and, within a matter of seconds, her correct name will appear, complete with the names of her parents, children and pets, if any.
I’ve also been making great use of another app, WhatTheHellsMyOwn Name.
In the old days, one often found oneself in the tricky position of forgetting one’s own name and other personal details - age, occupation, colour of eyes, pets, and so on - at crucial moments, like at a job interview. But now, I just have to point my mobile phone in the general direction of my own head, and, within seconds, I am able to say with complete confidence that I am Craig Brown, 54, a columnist with blue eyes and a West Highland Terrier called Pip.
To help me with highbrow conversations, I have also found it very handy to download the new StronglyHeldOpinion app.
This can prove a tremendous asset for anyone who is rendered dumbstruck when asked about their opinions on the key issues of the day.
What changes would you make to the new Health and Social Care Bill? Is armed intervention justified in Syria? Is Britain’s Got Talent a) a tired old format, b) more exciting than ever, or c) none of the above?
Who is best qualified to be the next Archbishop of Canterbury?
Just feed the question into your Raspberry and, within seconds, up will ping all the strongly held opinions you always meant to get around to having, complete with all sorts of dull statistics to back them up.
And the wonderful news is that another app, FierceExchange, will then allow you to place your phone alongside your opponent’s phone, so that your phones can get on with the heated argument, leaving the two of you plenty of time just to stare contentedly into space. - Daily Mail