The concept of codependency may be recognisable to you from the realm of drug and alcohol abuse.
That's actually where the word codependency originated. But its meaning has now expanded to cover broader relationship issues. It occasionally has connections to other forms of codependency.
For instance, a 2009 study, “Psychological Correlates of Codependency in Women”, revealed that relationship-based codependency, such as the parent-child form, may be more likely to occur when there is parental alcohol usage or a history of childhood trauma.
According to the study, a codependent parent is one who seeks to exercise excessive control over their child’s life because they have an unhealthy attachment to the child.
Codependency may be observed in many types of parental relationships. For example, a codependent parent may rely on their child to keep them emotionally content and psychologically stable.
Although codependent parents could argue that the tight bond they have with their child is a sign of a healthy family, their obsession with one another is a sign of dysfunction.
A 2014 research paper on “The concept, the symptoms and the etiological elements of codependency” emphasises how difficult it is to identify codependency. According to the study, codependency can be influenced by social, psychological and biological factors.
It lists five warning signs to watch out for if you believe you may be a codependent parent.
You’re clinging to control
Your sense of self is based on your relationship with your child in a codependent relationship. One person requires the other in codependent relationships, which feed on a cycle of neediness. It can work both ways and the other person wants to be needed sometimes, but not always.
Codependent parents may attempt to exert control over their child's life. This control may manifest in several ways:
Excessive participation
For instance, if a parent notices that their child is going through a difficult time, they may try to exert some control over the situation by being too engaged. This is because a parent's pain is also their child's pain. This applies to all parents, of course, within reasonable bounds. We hate to see our children in pain. It only becomes codependency when it is practised to an unhealthy degree.
Improper care-giving
Codependent parents will go above and beyond what is necessary for their child. For instance, an 8-year-old child should be capable of making their own morning clothing decisions. A 16-year-old should be in charge of organising their own homework and class schedule.
Improper assumption of liability
Codependent parents frequently assume responsibility for their child's emotions and mood swings.
You find it difficult to enforce boundaries
Codependent parents can struggle to discipline their children. They allow their child to violate the boundaries they've established out of fear that the child will reject them. In many situations, the parent would rather put up with disrespect than take the chance of enforcing limits and upsetting their child.
When that person’s spouse urges the child to follow the rules, they may feel resentful. The child’s father may become upset with the mother, for instance, if she tries to impose a bedtime curfew, even if their child ought to have been in bed several hours earlier.
You influence your child's feelings
Codependent parents may unintentionally (or intentionally but not maliciously) employ a variety of psychological techniques to influence their child:
Activism that is passive-aggressive: When a parent acts in this way against their child, it is considered indirect aggression.
Projection: When a parent can't control their emotions or thinks they are inappropriate, they transfer their sentiments on to their child since they are unable to process them. In this approach, the parent is spared any remorse, guilt, or humiliation.
Causing guilt: This happens when a parent makes an effort to guilt-trip their child into acting the way that they want them to act. For example, a parent complains that their child rarely talks about what happened at school. Then, when the child tells them about their day, the parent, still in victim mode, may say that a daily summary isn’t necessary. Often, feeling guilty, the child will reassure the parent that it isn’t a big deal and that they really want to tell their mom or dad everything that happened. The result? The parent gets the play-by-play without having to feel guilty about it because the child reassured them it wasn’t a big deal.
Admitting that codependency exists is the first step towards overcoming it.
Parents must treat their children with a special level of understanding and compassion after they have depleted the emotional bank account of the family through codependent behaviours. Particularly when the youngster begins to release their built-up anger.
According on the research, here are some suggestions to get you started:
Take care of yourself. Take action to meet your own needs rather than depending on your child to do so. You'll be able to give to your child as you have the ability to give to yourself.
Retrain. Give your child the freedom to overcome problems that are appropriate for their age. They will develop the self-assurance needed to believe in themselves and take necessary risks.
Pay close attention. When your youngster speaks to you, pay attention. Discuss what you heard. Ask them questions to make sure you understood what they had to say.
What resources are available for more assistance?
Where do codependent parents go when they need help? The best course of action is to schedule regular counselling sessions with a therapist who has expertise with codependency or addiction.
If that’s not feasible, do some research and find organisations, publications or support groups online that provide useful resources.
When you decide to switch to better parenting, be kind to yourself. You’re on a learning curve. Accept that there will be some difficult days, and keep going.