This year I want to shake things up a bit. I have asked some friends and colleagues who are in the sexual health industry to contribute to the column because contrary to popular belief I don’t know everything! Shocking, I know.
Let’s start the new year with my absolute favourite subject - sex toys and why we are still so intimidated by them in the 21st century. It’s a subject very close to my heart after my neighbours got an interdict against me last year, prohibiting me from running the Lola Montez Boutique from my home. It’s a complicated judgment that I believe interpreted the law incorrectly but I just didn’t have the resources to continue fighting it. If I had been selling hats I promise there would have been no problem!
The result is that my beautiful, gentle and sensual store is closed and you can only shop online. I beg you to continue supporting the site. I am still available for advice on what and why to buy.
Sex is just so terrifying for many that even talking about it makes them sweat and placing a sex toy front and centre is just too much. I respect privacy more than most but I honestly believe that we have to shine light in the dark corners to stop the perpetuation of dysfunction that has ruled our lives. So when someone says to me, "In my culture” I want to scream out: "So how is that working for you!"
The number one reason why people will not even consider using a sex toy is because of the unknown and because of our continued conservative attitudes towards sex. I honestly believe that education about sex will not increase promiscuity. I believe it will make us more selective. So make learning about sex a priority this year and play with at least one sex toy.
Many tell me they do not want a sex toy because they have a real partner! Really?
It’s a toy like the doll, car or ball you played with as a kid. It’s a toy, meant for play and pleasure. It even has the word "toy" in the name. You don’t NEED a sex toy but you really should have one. It’s fun, it’s sexy and man does it make you feel good.
Are you scared? No matter what the reason you are fearful ask someone who knows. I promise we won’t laugh. We all started knowing nothing but we now have Google and you have me!
Can you have sex without them? Chances are you have had sex without them for years. The question is really why should you have sex without them and I cannot think of a valid reason.
Are you threatened by them? Do you think it will be bigger, longer or give more pleasure than you? Maybe, but you really don’t have to worry about it. Buy something that matches your temperament. It is part of the play, it is not the end game.
If you’re afraid you will become addicted or desensitised, well apply some discipline for goodness sake. Dr Ruth gave the best advice I ever heard when I asked her how she dealt with this concern. She said "Finish with flesh so your body does not get used the vibration." Please say it with a heavy Yiddish accent.
Toys on the market now require a second bond on your house to afford the top of the range. But you don’t have to start there.
Buy something cheap and cheerful and start saving for something better. The new toys recharge, come with guarantees, sync with apps and can even vibrate in time to music. They just don’t make tea yet. When they do - then you can feel threatened!
My biggest fear when introducing my very large toy collection to my partner was, "What will he think of me for using toys?" Turns out he thought I was the sexiest thing he’d ever met and now 15 years later we still have weekends of toy play. It’s a genuine concern so before whipping out your rabbit, start an open, an honest discussion about toys. If you can’t have the discussion maybe your relationship isn’t what it should be.
Are you afraid you’ll get hurt? Yes you could but again some common sense goes a long way and if you don’t know how the toy works - ask!
Don’t know where to store them? Mine have a cupboard!
Most people keep them in a green sock, under the red jersey on the third shelf where you think your children can’t see. I’ll go with that, just remember to clean them properly.
So this year, let’s play more. Have more sex, orgasm when we can and buy a sex toy from Lola Montez naturally. Visit the site today www.lolamontez.co.za and call or e-mail me on Monday for advice.