I have been speaking to teenagers about sex for a number of years and when I say talking about sex, I mean real sex, pleasure and masturbation.
I always start off with trepidation because I never know just how far to take it, though I’m fairly good at reading a crowd.
During the talk, I circulate post-it notes for the audience to write questions on. They are encouraged to ask anything they want to know about the subject and I undertake to answer as honestly as I can.
This week and maybe even next I want to share some of these questions and the answers I have provided. I don’t ever get through all the questions so will answer them in writing.
These questions have been received over a number of years and the age varies from about 12 to 19.
What is an orgasm?
There are allegedly many different types of orgasm, but I have not experienced them. It usually happens when your genitals have been stimulated either externally or internally. Most women orgasm from clitoral stimulation. Generally, it is when your genital area goes into a contractive state. It is very pleasurable so you will know when it happens.
How long does an orgasm last? Everyone is different; the actual orgasm does not last very long, less than 10 seconds in my experience.
At what age do most people have sex for the first time?
In South Africa it is very young but not because there is consent. You should only be having sex when you are physically, mentally and emotionally ready. The first time will affect how you experience sex for the rest of your life, so make sure you are absolutely ready and you want to have sex. Don't do it to impress or be part of the group. Rather wait!
Who invented sex?
Adam and Eve, I presume. I'm not that old.
Some people say a healthy relationship requires sex, what is your opinion?
This is a trick question because it depends on your definition of relationship. I do not have sex with my best friend but I do with my husband.
So if it is your primary intimate relationship then I think it is important.
Can you miss a period if you are not pregnant?
Yes, but if you've had sex don't ignore it. Periods can stop for a number of reasons, especially if you are not regular yet. Only panic if sex has been had.
Apparently condoms are not 100% safe. How many contraceptives need to be used to be safe?
You only need one but remember that accidents happen. I would always use a condom to protect from diseases because these days falling pregnant is the least of your problems.
What are a male's most sensitive body parts? Are they as sensitive as females and in similar areas? I'm scared I don't know the practical, less biological aspects of sex. I feel like there is pressure on girls because of what boys see watching porn.
The skins of both males and females are sensitive and can be used erotically. The most sensitive part of the genitals for a man is the frenulum on the penis (where the foreskin joins the shaft). For a woman it's the clitoris and surrounding area.
There is pressure on girls and porn is part of it. But here's what you need to know, porn is not real.
Don't know what to do. First figure out for yourself what you like and then get him to do that and if he doesn't want to then kick him into touch!
What causes one to be attracted to a gender sexually? Is it mental or biological? An age old debate, nature or nurture?
I don't know, but Kinsey, who studied sex in the 1950s, said that we are all fluid and can fall in love or lust with either sex.
If you feel for someone of the same sex explore safely - you may just be curious or maybe it's your preference.
Why do some people feel no pleasure from sex? Why are some people turned off by sex?
Many, many reasons. Because society says women shouldn't enjoy sex. Maybe abuse, maybe culture, attitude, upbringing, etc. Sex is meant to be pleasurable. Discover your own body and your own pleasure and then make up your mind.
Why is sex pleasurable? Why does it feel so good?
Because it's meant to.
I have about 160 more questions where those came from. In a week or so I’ll post them on my blog (www.blog.lolamontez.co.za).
If you have questions, email [email protected]