By Sharon Gordon
This weekly column comes along so quickly, and I feel as if I deal with the same old issues and I’m convinced you’ve read it all. But then I remember that many of you are new readers and there are those of you having sex for the first time or exploring your relationship. Coming up with new topics to write about each week often requires research. More often than not I decide to write about what has come up for me (pardon the pun) during the week.
Whether you have been together for 30 years or just 2 there comes a time when every move is known. You know that two flicks of the nipple and a slap on the ass means sex is going to be had and you’d better start getting your mind into the game.
You know that the transaction (and many times it is nothing more than that) is going to take between 1 and 11 minutes. Time it you’ll see. My partner and I went away for the long weekend, we’ve been together for 20 years and had a long discussion about our relationship and where we find ourselves in 2021.
Don’t you wish that you could revive that intense desire you felt in your teens, like the first time you fell in love or lust. Those first heady moment of your relationship that made you want to be naked every spare moment you could spare.
If like many of us the thought of getting naked is one demand too far you may need to consider making some changes.
Nothing changes overnight so baby steps may be required. I started by exercising again and I have to admit that it’s taken about 3 months but I’m beginning to feel and look a lot better.
One thing I do know is that nothing is going to change unless you both commit to it and put in the work and it all starts with conversation.
I recently saw a meme about talking your truth in a relationship. It said something like if you are too afraid or fearful of asking for what you want or revealing your truth, maybe you’re not in the right relationship.
Many people have asked me over the years how to introduce toys, oral sex, swinging, anal sex and many other versions of sex into their relationship.
The question inevitably comes from someone who believes without a shadow of a doubt that their partner will be too conservative or judgemental to cope with the request. We also fear that our partner may be too insecure to deal with the request.
Sometimes they are right but many times their partner is just waiting to be awakened. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to start a new sexual journey with your partner after all this time?
The best way to start is to start!
If your partner is completely incapable of talking about sex even with the lights off and the curtains drawn there must be a place to talk about intimacy which could just be about kissing and holding hands.
To have this discussion your partner has to trust you. If no trust exists it will be almost impossible without the help of couple therapy.
You move at the pace of the person with the most fear. So you may have wild and wonderful expectations but unless your partner shares your curiosity you may be left hanging. It’s a discussion to be had in a safe place, not when you are in bed and on the short strokes, like some horny teenager.
I always suggest over dinner, or my favourite place – in the car. Neither of you has to look at each other or at your feet while the conversation happens. It may start with, ‘You know I always buy the Saturday Star to read Sharon’s column and this week she talked about... what do you think?
Now I know from talking to my children that you actually have to be a bit more specific and put yourself on the line before you can get a commitment.
So maybe you can say that you have become increasingly more curious about toys. If you have a very conservative partner or one who takes offense at ‘because you are obviously not satisfied with their skill set’, chances are you’re not but don’t say it, there is a simple response. It is sensual technology.
We have made our lives easier by adding all sorts of technology into the mix.
We drive instead of walking, we have a dishwasher, washing machine and microwave to make our lives more efficient and productive. We have a mobile phone that governs our social lives, makes calls, emails and tells us what to eat and when to exercise and yet we still can’t get our heads around a toy to enhance our sex play. Somehow this is the one area that remains technology free.
I think men are afraid that the toy (and here I refer to a penis shaped dildo) will be bigger and more proficient than him and yes those do exist but when I talk about introducing a toy I mean for you to start small. An ammunition bullet or a Mimi from Je Joue, is not going to threaten anyone’s size complexes.
Show me a man that doesn’t like a remote control! A remote control egg is the business! It will have you giggling and squirming with pleasure all at the same time. And none of this has to break the bank.
In fact, my suggestion is to start reasonably cheap and cheerful just to see how you like it before you make a bigger and more significant investment with one of the top ranges like Swan, Satisfyer or We Vibe. These toys have the latest in technology, with whisper quiet motors, air technology and medical grade silicone finish.
The best thing about the Lola Montez Brand is that you can ask, and we will help you identify the toy for you without fear or favour. You can call on 0861 565266 (during office hours only), visit online www.lolamontez.co.za and ask a question on the chat facility or pop into the store in health Works in Hyde Park Shopping Centre.
We all hate change or introducing something new even when we know that it is better for us. Can you remember giving up your old trusty Nokia for your first iPhone? It only took two days and you wondered what all the fuss was about and why you hadn’t changed years before.
I promise the same thing will happen if you introduce a toy into your play.
It is guaranteed fun. Do not use it as the end game but rather as foreplay and who knows what can be next in your relationship. Play together – that’s what it’s about. For more information you can also email me [email protected]