#SexColumn: It takes a very brave woman to say slow down
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By Sharon Gordon
I haven’t done a Lola Montez Ladies Night for about 4 years, but I was recently convinced to come out of retirement!
I haven’t laughed so much in absolute ages. Everybody has a sex story worth publishing and yet we never talk about it until we get the opportunity in a safe place. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas so sharing some of them would be inappropriate but the main take away is how thirsty we are for information and how much we need our partners to learn about great sex.
It was agreed that men know very little about foreplay and are still stuck in the notion that great sex is the harder you push. And why shouldn’t they? Who would have told them different?
Women will very seldom criticise or correct sexual technique. It takes a very brave woman to say slow down or you’re in the wrong place, so we tolerate years of very average sex and convince ourselves it’s great.
Most men will learn about sex from porn movies because let’s face it where else is there?
And what do we learn in Porn Movies, the harder he pushes in every orifice the more she groans with pleasure! Now I’m not saying there isn’t place for some hard pushing but that is not all there is.
Women will all agree that the clitoris needs more attention and unfortunately this magic button (that serves no other purpose but pleasure) sits outside and on top! When men discover this they go at it like a DJ on vinyl, which is equally unpleasant and then we have the added complication of what worked yesterday may very well not work today.
Women are also to blame because they don’t know their own bodies, are so shamed by their wants and needs and are so insecure about enjoying sex that it is a miracle that sex happens at all.
But here is the difference between men and women – women want to learn how to do it better.
They know that they may not be a sex goddess and are happy to read articles, come to Ladies Night and chat to experts but men? Well they know everything, and firmly believe that they are sex gods, Nobody has ever complained!
I actually had a partner who when offered some guidance said: ‘It worked with my previous girlfriend so what’s wrong with you?’ Needless to say the relationship didn’t last very long especially when my reply was ‘She lied!’
The big question is how do we teach our men about foreplay?
This is a question that strikes fear into the hearts of even the most educated of us all because - what is foreplay? For me it is related to my mood. So sometimes it has to be gentle and filled with fineness and other times I’m happy to be in the gutter.
One thing I know if foreplay is in the head first, and starts the minute after the last orgasm. You cannot be shitty to me at breakfast and expect me to want to have sex that night.
Sexting is a great way to get warmed up but it’s a process. You can’t go straight into hard thrusts you have to lead up to it.
We’re obsessed with how other people are managing their sex life and how we measure up. It’s normal to wonder because this is the one activity we do not discuss with our mother, sister or friend. We are left to fend and find out for ourselves and then of course there are the multiple orgasm, female ejaculation, six hour erection that we expect because we saw it in porn.
So let me ask you this: If you believe everything you see in porn why don’t you believe in romance movies?
The moral of this week’s column is that I wish there was an academy where we all could go, man, woman and couple to learn how to do this properly. I wish we could talk about it openly and share our experiences because then we would find that we all have the same concerns.
This week learn a new trick. Give your partner some undivided attention. Ask what they would like you to do. Ask them to show you how. Get your ego out of the way and listen. No really – listen. It will be the most rewarding advancement in your relationship ever!