By Sharon Gordon
It seems that the universe is conspiring for me to write about threesomes. I’ve seen it on TV, it’s been raised in conversation and I’ve been asked my opinion – all in the last couple of days! So here it is.
Having a Threesome is a common fantasy for him and for her and I know that what you want in your fantasy world and what you’re prepared to do are often very different. We may want to watch rather than to participate. What you do need to do is talk about it. You may find that this may be enough. The last time I talked about Threesomes on Radio – I got fired!
Our fantasies of threesomes, foursomes and greater groups are very common with the groupings being different for each one - FFM (female, female, male) and MMF (male, male, female) being the most common. Most of us will never admit to having these fantasies and have to be in a very secure relationship to discuss them with our partner.
What happens when you want to take it a step or two further and make the fantasy a reality?
Whether this is your fantasy, his or both - the first step is that you must both, unconditionally want to- there has to be unequivocal spoken out loud consent. And I mean ‘Yes, I’d like to participate in a threesome”, not a little squeak that sounds like a yes. Don’t do this simply to make your partner happy, the cost to your own happiness will be too high.
Threesomes can be really tricky!
I know that for me a threesome is only possible with two complete strangers who I know I will never have to see again, preferably in a country I will never visit again. I am far too insecure and jealous to share my partner with anyone else. I don’t care how sexy it feels or how much he wants to. But that is me. I know couples who live the swinger and threesome lifestyle quite comfortably. They are happy and secure and swear that the lifestyle has taken their intimacy to a whole new level.
After discussion and consent you have both decided it’s something you are going to do its best you understand the rules of engagement.
Here are a few guidelines on how to get started.
Start slow, talk dirty, share the fantasy – tell each other in detail what is happening. How you will pick the third party, is it a woman or man – who is doing what to whom. With enough imagination just sharing the fantasy verbally makes for an excitingly different orgasm.
You could take this verbal route one step further. How about some hot, sexy and explicit three-way telephone sex? There are plenty of numbers available on the internet, in adult magazines or papers. While you and your partner are in the same room with the third party on the other end of the line – this is a safer and very exciting option to explore the fantasy.
Been there done that and you want to feel the flesh?
Make sure that you and your partner have discussed this and have agreed that it is something you both want to do for yourself not just for your partner. Are you both secure enough to deal with the consequences once the game has begun?
There is no right or wrong here – only consequence.
Once the decision has been made the next step is finding a willing participant which in the time of COVID may be a bit trickier.
You may have a friend that you both fancy. Male or female. I would warn against this because once you’ve had the threesome experience the relationship will absolutely change and not always for the better.
Sometimes finding a third party can happen almost effortlessly. Dance floors are a great place to get the bump and grind started. If this is not an option, you could raise the possibility in a light-hearted conversation. Keep it light-hearted because your friend may be hugely offended by the proposal and look at you in horror, run out the door never to be seen again. If you see the friend moving in this direction you can make a joke out of it and escape unscathed.
You could just pay for it. Arrange to meet the professional in a public place first. You both want to view the goods. If it meets with your approval you can move on from there. If not, have a drink, a laugh and move on. This is meant to be a fantasy not a nightmare. Just remember to practice safe sex – ALWAYS.
The easiest way is to go to a sex or swingers club. The clubs are filled with like minded couples and there is no need to feel shy or embarrassed. You and your partner can take your time to find someone you both find attractive.
The clubs have very strict policies. Only women may approach another couple, no means no and so on. You may find that all you want to do is watch – and that’s okay to.
Once you have found a willing participant the next awkward step of initiating sex. Remember that in many ways a threesome is the same as a twosome. You all have to be physically attracted to each other and equally into getting it on. ALWAYS practise safe sex. Use a fresh condom for each partner. For girl on girl action use a dental dam. You don’t want to walk away from this with more than you expected.
You have to show respect and listen to each other’s wants and needs. Whatever you do – DO NOT ignore your partner during the experience. During the play make sure that your primary partner’s needs are met first and last. If your partner feels left out or that you gave more attention to the secondary partner, it will become a bone of contention in every fight from here on out.
It is important to do some aftercare after the experience. Make sure that you and your partner come out of the experience feeling good about themselves and if not address the issues or it will fester and eventually lead to a deterioration of your relationship.
‘A ménage a trois is best enjoyed by free spirited, intelligent and artistic people with progressive minds and bohemian beliefs.’ Ianie Speiser. Not me then!
For those of us with less bohemian tendencies a safe alternative is to introduce a life like adult toy into the mix. A Natural Clone and a Fleshlight come to mind. You can have the Threesome experience without another person actually being in the room.
My last word – if you are going to have a threesome obey the rules of engagement and always end with your primary partner and do not feel guilty about what you have done, chalk it up to adventure.