LIFESTYLE - THE lockdown has challenged us to be creative about the way we do life. More people are working remotely from home. We are using online platforms like Skype and Zoom to conduct meetings and, where possible, maintain our income. So what about dating?
Loneliness is challenging during normal times and for those living alone, it feels magnified right now. So is it possible to meet the love of your life during the lockdown? Absolutely!
Just as with work, we have to become more creative with our love life. As a matchmaker, I have matched quite a few people since the lockdown started. There are also dating sites and apps available for those who are comfortable finding partners online.
If you are saying: “I’m waiting for the lockdown to be over to start dating,” I’m going to ask you to go a bit deeper and ask yourself if you used a different excuse to “wait” before the lockdown.
Were you waiting for a project to be over or for the kids to finish school; to lose weight first, or to get a promotion? Is the lockdown simply another excuse to put off dating?
Finding love takes courage when we have been hurt before. If this is the case for you, I suggest you do the internal work of putting the past to rest and getting clear on what you want to create in your next relationship. If you are ready to move on, let’s look at how we can date remotely.
The worst way to try to get to know a person is through texting. You cannot hear the tone of the person’s voice, see their body language or make eye contact. It’s the lazy way of dating - and causes the most misunderstanding. It’s fine to introduce yourself, but it should be followed up with a phone call.
I usually recommend that my clients meet as soon as possible for a coffee date. So, try one of the video platforms and set up a time to “meet”. Dress up as you would if you were going to a regular coffee date (so no pyjamas), bring your coffee and have a video chat, just as you would at a regular date.
When trying to get to know a new person, don’t ask the same boring questions like: “How are you?”; “So, why are you still single?”; “Why did you get divorced?”; “Tell me more about yourself.”
When people go on to a dating site, they are faced with hundreds of people and you need to stand out from the rest.
Try something more interesting like: “So what do you love the most about the lockdown and what do you miss the most?” or “What are you going to do completely differently because of this lockdown?” or “What’s the best meal you’ve prepared this week?”
These questions are more fun and you are still getting to know the person. As the conversation progresses over a few days, ask questions like: “Describe your ideal relationship?”, “What’s your idea of a perfect Sunday?” and “If you could have any job in the world, what would it be?”
If you’re getting on well, try a dinner date.
Set an intention for the lockdown, for example, to lose 3kg or to do 30 minutes of exercise every day, read a book, clean out a cupboard or rearrange furniture. Hold each other accountable to achieve that intention. Come up with creative ways together.
I must, however, caution you against people who only want to text you and you don’t get to see them, or people who want to get “intimate” or ask for revealing photos.
If someone asks for money, end that conversation and block them - there are syndicates that operate on dating sites with false profiles. So, make sure you do a video chat to verify that the person matches the picture on their profile.
If you take the basic precautions and don’t get emotionally involved, you can have a fun remote dating experience. The emotional connection should come only after you meet in person and you know that you have chemistry. I’ve been saying to my clients for years that we need to slow down when it comes to meeting the right partner. It takes many dates and many conversations before you decide to get into a relationship - and the lockdown is forcing us to slow down.
The best advice I can give is to be completely authentic. The right person will find that appealing and attractive. Be yourself and set the intention to become friends first.
With our friends, it’s easy to be authentic; we are not trying to impress them. They are in our lives because they love as for who we are - so, too, with your future life partner. The right one will love and accept the real you.
Be safe, and most of all, have fun!
Naidoo is a relationship coach and matchmaker. More at www.nextlevelup.co.za