LIFESTYLE - SA Marriage Week is marked from 1 to 7 September. Psychologist Rakhi Beekrum offers tips and advice around the rocky road that couples hope to never tread down, but often do.
- Red alert: Warning signs and early indicators that your marriage could be in trouble:
* Infidelity or betrayal
* Dishonesty
* Constant fights that lead to resentment
* Abuse
* Not prioritising the marriage
* Decreased communication
* Disrespect
- “I want a divorce”: If either partner asks for a divorce, should it be accepted and they both move on? How do you know if you should try to resolve it? Where do you start?
It is unusual for one to ask for a divorce out of the blue. By the time one partner asks for a divorce, they have most likely reached a point of hopelessness about the marriage.
If one party does not want the divorce, then efforts should be made to communicate about alternatives. By this stage, professional help is necessary, because it’s a sign that the couple is unable to resolve conflict by themselves.
So it’s important to convey to the other party that you do not wish to get divorced, state why you believe the marriage can and should be salvaged, and state what you are willing to do to improve the chances of the marriage working. Be willing to listen, without being defensive, to your partner’s reasons for wanting to end the marriage.
Take responsibility for any part you may have played in the marriage reaching this stage. Check if your partner is willing to seek professional help and choose a qualified, experienced professional together.
If your partner is unwilling to change his or her mind, seeking professional help is useful individually to cope with the stress of a marriage ending, to identify and process feelings and adjust to this transition.
- Getting help: How do you know who to seek help from? Family? Religious counselling? A professional third party with no knowledge of either of them - a clean slate?
Seeking help from family is not always a good option because it often negatively affects the relationship with the in-laws. Often spouses are able to work through their challenges and forgive each other, but parents, for example, may not forgive the son- or daughter-in-law, who they feel wronged their child. Family is not always able to be objective.
Religious counselling is an option for couples who feel comfortable with this. The religious leader will guide them according to their religious beliefs, which is important. There is also existing respect for their religious leaders.
An objective professional, who is trained and experienced in dealing with marital conflict, is a good option.
Factors such as culture and religious beliefs are also considered in marital therapy. Many couples choose to consult a religious leader and a marital therapist or psychologist. When choosing to seek professional help, it is important to note the qualifications and experience of the professional.
- For the kids?: When children are involved, what should couples consider before deciding to divorce?
While it is never advisable to stay married “for the sake of the kids”, children need to be a primary consideration when thinking about divorce. For example, children are never better off in a home where they witness violence, abuse or disrespect. However, divorce is more expensive than one may realise - not just financially - but in terms of emotional trauma to the couple, their children and their families.
When a couple has children, they still have a responsibility towards them even if divorced. This means their lives will still be intertwined as they have to communicate about children, make logistical arrangements, discuss finance, etc.
Furthermore, when getting divorced, not everyone considers the long-term consequences, for example, when partners get involved in new relationships and step-parents enter the picture. This can be difficult to deal with and many divorced spouses experience jealousy or unhappiness.
The decision to divorce or remain married must be in the best interest of the children. Parents have a responsibility to provide a safe environment in which their children are raised.
Neither parent should bad-mouth the other to their children, nor turn the child against the other parent.
- End of the road: what are some of the long-term effects of divorce?
* On the individual: many individuals experience a grief reaction at the demise of a marriage. Self-worth is often affected and many take it personally.
Depending on the reasons for the divorce, there is often difficulty trusting others. If one does not work through one’s feelings after the divorce, there is the risk of carrying this emotional baggage into new relationships.
The fear of abandonment is sometimes present. Divorce often has a financial consequence. The fear of being alone is another significant issue.
* On children into adulthood: Children who are raised in unhappy homes with constant conflict between parents may have negative views on marriage and some do not wish to get married.
Others may unconsciously internalise the gender roles they learn through observing their parents.
However, if children are prioritised and loved by both parents, even after divorce, there are often no negative effects. Many adult children of divorced parents long to make their own marriages work and I have seen individuals remain in unhappy marriages because they long to raise their children together.
Marriage is a vow and should be respected by both parties. Divorce can be prevented if both partners are willing to work together. However, if there are issues, such as abuse or infidelity, divorce may be inevitable if the offending partner refuses to take responsibility, get help, and make positive changes.
In such cases, the individual partners should seek the necessary help to adjust and cope effectively and buffer the effect on children.
*Beekrum is a psychologist, marital therapist and mental health blogger in Durban North. You can follow her on Facebook (Rakhi Beekrum - Psychologist) and Instagram (@rakhibeekrum). Her website is www.rakhibeekrum.co.za