LIFESTYLE - SA Marriage Week is marked from 1 to 7 September. Krsangi Radhe tackles the prickly issue of staying in a marriage 'for the sake of the children'.
Have you been in a situation where a friend or family member discloses that they are remaining in their marriage “for the sake of the children”?
Many couples go through tough times, and often staying in the marriage to protect their children from being torn between two parents deters them from taking a bold and decisive step to be happier people, over being in an unfulfilled marriage.
I recently attended a professional development workshop and met a colleague who said she was “recently divorced”.
The first thought that came to mind was whether she had children and what the impact of the divorce would have had on them.
However, this also got me thinking about how we often stereotype those who are divorced as selfish. Should we spin that scenario, do we consider (with the same zest) how two unhappy parents, living in the institution of marriage “for the sake of their children”, actually affect the children?
Living in a toxic relationship or marriage, just for the sake of the children, can cause more harm than good.
Yes, every marriage is worth the effort of saving. However, when it creates continuous tension in the home, then both partners need to consider the negative effects on the children.
* Damage to the child’s self-confidence:
Children who are exposed to continuous bickering and arguments are led to believe they are the cause of this unhappiness. This creates self-doubt and the lack of self-confidence. It affects their school life and long-term relationships.
* Emotional imbalance
Have you considered the long-term effects on children watching their parents live in the same home with no emotional connection?
Strangely enough, many couples go through a period of “emotional divorce” before completing the formal procedure.
The disconnection between parents has far-reaching effects on the child.
We cannot forget that children are grounded based on the foundation created by the home environment and find their source of emotional strength from a strong family base.
During these fundamental years, their roots will either be firmly secure or imbalanced.
Should the home environment be unpleasant; the natural inclination is an unsteady foundation - leading to unsteady emotions.
It is unfair for parents to stay in the situation of “emotional divorce” for a prolonged period, without considering the implications this has on their children.
* Children learn by example
Parents are the most loved and trusted people in the lives of the child. Should a child be exposed to unhappy parents, the child will grow to believe this is what life and relationships are about.
Due to the innocence and vulnerability of children, they believe what they see and carry these negative emotions. In many cases, these children grow into adults who mimic such relationships believing bickering and unhappiness is the norm, as they know no different.
* Unhappy parents are unhappy people
When a baby is born within a relationship, the focus usually shifts to being parents first before partners.
Our identity is blurred from being individuals, then partners within a relationship and then parents.
This chronological order is reversed and the sense of individual identity is lost in the process.
Therefore, being in an unhappy marriage leads to unhappy parents (and vice versa) and this does not serve the children or yourself. A happy individual will be a happy partner and a happy parent.
Parenting in an unhappy marriage will lead to unhappy children.
We need to dispel the myth that staying in a marriage for the sake of keeping the children happy and safe, is acceptable.
Rather take stock of the damage this mindset causes, and either work on re-establishing the relationship, or begin discussions on the best way forward “for the sake of the children”.
* Time for change in community/society:
A culture of acceptance and love needs to be forged within the community.
Couples should not be “forced” to remain in an unhappy marriage due to the pressure by society or their responsibilities as parents.
Yes, we can never shy away from the important responsibility of parenting, but we cannot be irresponsible parents by remaining in an unfulfilled marriage.
Responsible parenting means creating a happy and loving home where there are mutual respect and love.
*Radhe is a neuro-linguistic programming practitioner, time-line therapist, and life coach. She is also an educator, PR practitioner and motivational speaker. She is the founder of Sankalpa Coach and can be followed on Facebook @sankalpa coaching with krsangi radhe.