Lukhanyo Mkhenyane
Cape Town - On June 18, the nation will pause to celebrate fathers.
Some will take time to remember great men who shaped their being, while many will not care less what day it is. The result of the latter can be captioned in a term that emerged in the 60s and 70s, and tightened its grip in the 90s and the new millennium – absent fathers.
The damage caused by absent fathers is evident in the lives of many today.
The damage has been examined to affect child development intellectually, psychologically and psychosexually. This continues to raise its head even in adulthood in the form of aggression, unstable relationships, identity, social stand and so forth.
My generation of fathers are present in the lives of their children, succeeding where their progenitors failed. I dare say, many of these were raised by single mothers and they vowed to themselves that their children would not go through the same development they did.
What matters most is your presence in your child’s life. As fathers in the 21st century, we need to shift the boundary line beyond physical and financial support of our children.
Yes, being physically present daily is key, and ministering to the financial needs of our children is of paramount importance, but it has proven not to be enough for the development of our children.
As long as our presence physically and financially is not intentional in nature, we will cause similar harm as absent fathers. As fathers we need to learn that, as one scholar puts it, father presence is more than a mere antithesis of father absence.
This suggests that I can be home daily and support Chiedza financially, but if Chichi is not living in my presence, my being home and financial support is in vain. I need to have practical and emotional relations with her.
As fathers, we have deferred many of our roles to mothers, married or not married. We shun away from feeding our children – as long as I buy food, it’s enough; we frown at changing nappies and bathing our children, no surprise our children lack cognitive and social skills.
Many fathers hardly sit down with their daughters and ask about their day at school, sending a message that you should never bother me for relationship advice or when your boyfriend bothers you.
Many fathers hardly check up on their boy’s day, sending the message to the boy that it is okay to bottle things up and not seek emotional and psychological support.
We are present, but our poor children do not live in our presence.
A father’s presence includes imparting values and teachings to their children. Doing such, allows your children to live in your presence in your absence.
Intentionality and moral reasoning are key here.
Your values and teachings must be understood to be beneficial to your children. They must be premised on love and seeking better good for children.
Being present as a father only fulfils a cultural role and ensures presence in a specific location.
Nevertheless, it offers little to the development of a child intellectually, socially, emotionally and spiritually.
Our children must be baptised in our presence, and they will experience a holistic development, which will give them a holistic view in life.
Our presence in our children’s lives will decrease promiscuity, inappropriate sex roles’ attitudes and interpersonal problems in romantic relations, scholars suggest.
Our presence will minimise early pregnancy, impregnating while single and likelihood of divorce. Our presence will teach our boys how to value, appreciate and take care of women.
Our presence will teach our children to value life.
Yes, they appreciate your being present, but they will appreciate more living in your presence.
Happy Father’s Day!
Makhenyane is a lecturer in the African Languages Department at University of Fort Hare. He writes in his personal capacity.
Cape Times