When I was a young art student we used to amuse ourselves by designing “nothing machines”. The object was to dream up a machine as complicated as possible, that would actually work but do absolutely nothing.
Pulleys drove belts which turned gears that lifted weights which tipped see-saw balances, causing wheels to roll down ramps and bump into a switch which shut down the whole mechanism.
If possible a bell would be incorporated for sound effect and there might be a warning light or two along the line.
I think the whole idea was probably inspired by the BBC’s Goon Show, which was very popular at the time. Those old enough to remember The Goon Show will recall it was a frenetically boisterous radio show that involved a great deal of noise, silly phrases shouted by improbable characters, plenty of weird sound effects and not much of a logical plot.
I loved every episode, which probably tells readers a lot about my mental condition. I dreamed up some fiendishly complex nothing machines in my time. Until recently I considered a nothing machine to be something akin to a modern political party — all sound and fury achieving nothing.
Recently, however, I encountered a real-life Nothing Machine. In fact, I bought one in a local hardware store not realising what it was. The label on the box described it as a “multi-purpose machine”.
The instructions said it could be a sander or polisher or even be used to cut ceramic tiles. The business end vibrated at high speed, driving various discs, cutters or pads. I think it actually sanded a piece of wood once it was plugged in.
Then it broke.
I returned it to the dealer, who apologised and spent a couple of weeks having it repaired (free of charge). When it came back I plugged it in again and it successfully sanded some rust off a chisel before breaking once more.
Back it went and took another three weeks to be “repaired”. When it was returned to me, this time the repair job cost me R177 and the machine worked for almost a minute before conking in.
So far, in two years of ownership, it has worked for almost four minutes. Not bad for a nothing machine.
In my student days I would have been happy to own that machine. I might have added a bell and a flashing light for interest, though.
Not sure what to do with it now. I might spray-paint it gold and hang it next to the bird feeder.
Last Laugh
An angry man stormed into the police station and dropped a dead cat on the desk.
“Somebody dropped this cat on my front doorstep during the night,” he said.
“No problem, sir,” said the duty officer. “Just leave your name and address and if nobody claims the cat within three months you can keep it.”
* "Tavern of the Seas" is a column written in the Cape Argus by David Biggs. Biggs can be contacted at [email protected]
** The views expressed here are not necessarily those of Independent Media.
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